8. Out of Order: Notes and Quotes

Things that make you go, oh.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Signs/Symptoms

1. Reacts to criticism with rage or other negative behavior
2. Is preoccupied with feelings of success
3. Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment (from me, his daughters: women in general)
4. Disregards the feelings of others and lacks empathy
5. Pursues all or mostly all selfish goals
6. Expects to be noticed as a superior (especially from me, his daughters, his ex-wife, and women in general)
7. Is highly successful. Excessive ambition and confidence may lead to high achievement, but performance can be disrupted due to intolerance of criticism or defeat.
8. Sustained feelings of shame or humiliation (his own father: abuse, own narcissism, suicide [the ultimate narcissistic abuse])
9. Rejects and despises authority, is fiercely independent, controlling, self-centered, and aggressive.
10. Fears intimacy and is locked into cycles of hesitant approach followed by avoidance of commitment.
11. Poor team player.
12. Dreads his own weaknesses and tries to overcome them by projecting an image of success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.
13. Often high-profile or high-authority individuals.
14. 75% of classic narcissists are men, most of whom were raised by a smothering or doting mother. (in this case, sister, when mom passed away)
15. Narcissism usually does not include physical vanity. 

 

Just high self esteem? Um, no.

The difference between someone with high self esteem and a narcissist is that the person with high self esteem focuses on relationships, where the narcissist wants to know what others can do for them, without caring for others. The narcissist is not capable of having a close emotional relationship.

Low self esteem? Um, no.

People with low self esteem can be depressed but they are usually caring partners, even though they are usually insincere.

Narcissists are either 'cerebral' where they derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements, or 'somatic' where they derive their narcissism from their physical looks, physique, strength, etc.

Classic narcissists' emotions and needs are buried under a thick layer of scar tissue which has hardened and coalesced during years of one form of abuse or another. They have visions of grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy, all which hide an ever-present insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth. 

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High Tide, Low Tide

In one of my many listless, random internet searches for continued answers to this ongoing roller coaster ride I came across this gem:

"One of the most confusing things to the victim of verbal abuse is the transition from one abusive event to the next. Once the abused person has survived the insult, stonewalling, yelling, whatever, and things go back to “normal” (whatever that means), the victim clings on to the hope that, 'OK, Now we will build, we will work together to make a happier life for both of us…'. This ebb and flow is one of the things that keeps victims of abuse in the relationship."

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Notes from Dr. England

"When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?

I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse.

The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.

He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and economic abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.*

Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.
 

If you have kept asking yourself what went wrong, perhaps nothing did--at least not to your husband's way of thinking. See, you might have married this man before he had time to remove his mask or show you his true colors.

Sorry, but if you are married to a man who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD, or who displays unhealthy levels of narcissism even if he doesn't match the number of criteria required to be diagnosed with this personality disorder, he might have intentionally created a facade or persona to reel you in. That was his sole intent. 

Oh, I know. That isn't how you see him despite everything he puts you through. Indeed, despite the fact this man now shouts obscenities at you regularly, you probably make excuses for his bad behavior, don't you?

He probably suspected you were the codependent type who would bend over backwards to please him. Yes, you would forfeit your own needs and desires while he battered you with his emotional abuse and verbal abuse. It is probably because you are a caring and empathic person that you have trouble seeing the truth about your relationship, too.

I know, you certainly don't see him as the enemy, but instead, as the man you still love with all your heart. Nevertheless, he might well see you as the enemy despite the fact you do everything he ever asks.

Be honest here. Do you tell yourself that if you could only be better yet, things would be okay? Do you blame yourself for the fact he is not pleased--and secretly believe he has the right to belittle you because, indeed, you let him down once again when he was trying so hard to trust you?

It can be difficult to take off the blinders you are invariably wearing and stare the truth hard in the face. Just remind yourself how long it has been since your narcissistic spouse has come bearing flowers and gifts--including just the gift of kind and empathic words."

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Quote from Narcissistic Relationships thread of mentalhelp.net:

"Personally I think the fact that your husband wants a divorce is a painful godsend. Of course it hurts and you aren't crazy for feeling that way. You spent 15 years of your life loving and trying to please this man and all you get for it is a sudden divorce! And you bet he will insist that you are the reason for the break-up because that is what a narcissist does - being flawless he blames everything he does on everyone else around him.

Accept the divorce, join a support group for divorcees and get into therapy to assess your reasons for putting up with this jerk. You deserve so much better."

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"The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, (spouse, for example) callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Some narcissists – though by no means the majority– actually ENJOY abusing, taunting, tormenting, and freakishly controlling others ("gaslighting"). But most of them do these things absentmindedly, automatically, and, often, even without good reason."

~from Malignant Self Love, Dr. Sam Vaknin
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John Shore writes: 

“So why don’t you just leave him already!?”

If you’re a woman in an abusive relationships, that’s a piece of advice you’ve probably heard before. It seems so simple...

                                                            *Except its not*

A man beats you, and somehow you still love him. (Because:)

·      Your man is cute. He has adorable ways. You see that little boy in him, and you melt.

·      He needs you. He’s powerful. He’s got that charm thing some guys have.

·      He’s got that way of talking, of moving, of boldly taking control of stuff—he’s brave like that.

·      He does things in the world. He’s smart!

·      Underneath it all, he’s a good man. He was raised poorly. His dad never gave him a break. He tries.

·      He’s got those arms you love.

All of these sorts of qualities that you love in your man really are lovable: there’s no doubt whatsoever about that. If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, though, here are two things that you must bear in mind about all the sorts of things that make you love your man in spite of the awful way he treats you:

1. Every man has all kinds of qualities that are every bit as attractive and lovable as any characteristic possessed by your man. You just don’t know any other guys like you know your man; you’re just used to your man’s lovable qualities. Your man’s qualities seem really unique because they belong to him. But you could love those same qualities (and a whole bunch of new ones!) in another man—one who doesn’t treat you like garbage.

2. Your man uses his lovable qualities to keep you hooked on him. "

 ~John Shore,  ( JohnShore.com ) Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships... 

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                                         Is there a pattern here... ?