My Journey from Misery to Ministry

"You asked, 'who is this who questions My wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I - and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me." ~Job 42:3

Saturday, May 22, 2010

40. Trace, Kind of All Over the Place...

I am sometimes utterly amazed when I watch God orchestrate goodness out of the messes we make.  His timing, His grace, His mercy...

Six and a half months ago I would never have believed anything positive could be made with, or of my life.  When someone would say to me Trace, there's a reason for everything, or God has a plan just be patient, it was tough to put much stock in that.  Sometimes I laugh about it.  Sometimes cry.  (Still.)  Sometimes get really mad.  Through it all, though, I've learned a lot about God:  His timing, His plan, His direction.

My situation, like so many divorce tragedies, begs the question:  Did God cause my husband to stop loving me?  (No.)  Did He cause me to have a broken heart just so I'd return to Him on a new level?  Is that how He works--does he arrange for people to grieve, to force their hand and get them to praise Him?  (No.)  If He didn't arrange it then, did God allow my marriage to be destroyed; and is he allowing me to experience absolute anguish 150 or so times a day?

The latter is a question that's been asked and debated by theologians, scholars, and poets for centuries, is it not?  How could a simple person like me answer this... I just cannot.  But I do have a theory:  I know God doesn't like sadness.  He doesn't like depression, anxiety, self-pity, or grief.  He doesn't want us to be heart-broken.  Yet, I cannot deny it:  I have grown in Christ since my heart was broken and my marriage stolen.  I've studied the Word much more; attended church more regularly.  Still, I prefer to believe I've also grown in Christ in spite of having my heart broken and marriage stolen, not just because of it.

When my separation was brand new and I was still completely numb with shock, I turned to the Bible for answers (and for peace) and two scriptures jumped off the page at me.  The first was shown to me at five in the morning after my first night in Spokane, and I eventually made it my sidebar quote for this blog:   "You asked 'who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?'   It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me" --Job 42:3

The second came a day or so later and became the foundation for a ministry I hope to start some day, working with women whose hearts have been broken through divorce or breakup:  "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect.  Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered" --Philippians 1:12

Did God give me peace on that first morning?  Definitely; peace wrapped in a blanket of wisdom.  Will my ministry launch?  I don't know... it's definitely a goal of mine.  If I am able to encourage just one woman whose life has been ripped apart by the words I don't love you anymore, my vision will be complete. God will be triumphant if His mere presence is shown to another doubtful broken heart.

And that will make my own journey a little more clear.



Wednesday, May 5, 2010

37. King David and me

It occurred to me the other day that my posts are a set of serious mood swings!  I shared my concern with Kim and she immediately reminded me about King David. The Book of Psalms, 150 chapters of sacred poems composed primarily by a man referred to as having a heart 'most like God's', is a collection of incredibly diverse emotions and feelings.  


Dr. Jerry Vines www.jerryvines.com writes:
"In many ways the Christian life is no different from the life of any other person. Life has its good days and its bad days. You will experienceups and downs in life. Life very often is a series of hills and valleys. That's one of the reasons I enjoy reading the book of Psalms. 

The book of Psalms is a book written especially for the human emotions. Every possible range of human emotions can be found in the book of Psalms. The Psalmists pluck every string of the human emotion.

Sometimes the Psalmist wrote and said, "Out of the depths I cried unto you." On other occasions he writes a Psalm and it says, "The lions have fallen out unto me in pleasant places." So I like the Psalms because they deal with these mood swings, with these differences in human emotions.

There are many people who have a hard time dealing with the changing circumstances and the variety of moods which come to them in life. It's not easy for them to cope with these mood swings. There are some, of course, who have mood swings which are chemically driven. There are mood swings which have to do with chemical malfunctions in the brain. There are times when people need to have Christian care and 
Christian counseling and Christian medicine to help them get through some of these brain disorders that may come. These are more severe. These are more serious mood swings which some people have to deal with.

Some people have to deal with issues of depression, and they are not able to get themselves out of the tank of depression and they need some specialized Christian care to help them through that difficulty.

I'm not dealing so much with those kinds of 
severe mood swings this evening as I am just dealing with the things that seem to come to all of us. I want to talk with you a little bit tonight about these mood swings which are specifically mentioned in these verses, and I want you to see that God is available to us in all of these times of different emotional experiences.

In the book of Psalms, Psalm 31, verse 15, he says, "My times are in Your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me." There is no time or circumstance or mood that you will go through which is beyond the ability of God to help.



Deuteronomy 33: 25, says, "As your days, so shall your strength be." That means that whatever you are going though on any particular day, God can give you the strength, and God can help you to get through that particular time."
~ Dr. Jerry Vines
   February 27, 2005


I believe everyone has mood swings; this is how we are wired.  I believe God knew exactly what He was doing when He designed our personalities; when he wrote out our emotions and feelings.  I believe God makes NO mistakes.  The ups and downs illustrated in my blog identify who I am right now:  an intelligent woman who's porcelain heart has been smashed into tiny shards.  I refuse to be fearful of sharing my pain.   If I feel victorious one day I will praise God, sing, write, create.  And if I crash to into the valley the next day I will whimper, question, and cry out to God.  Walking through a valley after standing on a mountain top is NOT a sign of defeat, it's a testament to who, how, and what we are!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

36. Who Gave You the Keys to my Soul?

Today is May 1st.  Six months ago today I hit that highway.  Half a year has gone by, the hardest, most gut-wrenching experience I've ever imagined could happen.

Tracy, Bright and Dark
Some days I wake up in the morning and an inkling of hope dances in the air: I'm motivated to live again.  I hop out of bed, fix coffee, and go for a walk. How I love those mornings!  Other days,  however, I wake up aware of only the ticking of my parents' grandfather clock; nothing more. The rest of the world is blank, and I know it's going to be a dark day.  On those days I'm more aware of my physical pain, also.  My shoulders, wrists and ankles ache from the pain of my arthritis.  I get up and usually go right back to bed, afraid and unmotivated to face my world.  These are the days I ask God:

Why is it that my husband is allowed to have so much control over how I feel?  Why am I not strong enough to throw him out of my head?

Why does he have the power to make me sooo angry at myself?  Who gave him that power???

Why does he have the power to rob me of the motivation to get a job... to write... to take pictures... to sing... to pray?  To get out of bed?

Why does he have the power to rob me of my joy?  Who gave him the keys to my soul?

When will I be able to retake control of my own happiness:  not medication-happiness?  When will I stop being afraid of my future?