45. An Anniversary Blessing

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my exile from Brown Rd, Olympia. Instead of feeling devastated and reliving the trauma of that weekend, I am choosing (quite easily) to celebrate. Not the loss of my marriage, my Father hates divorce. I'm celebrating the recovery of the child God created me to be.

Today I began to re-read the book of Romans, and was stopped in my tracks by the Holy Spirit before even completing the first chapter! (Kim and Courtney, you might remember me referring to this as the Holy Spirit elbow-to-the-side when you were little :) 

Paul, "an obscure Roman citizen without connections" wrote his letter during a time of literary giants in Roman civilization: royal decrees, important poetry, moral philosophy--yet Paul's letter rose to great influence, surpassing all the world-class writings of the time. How could I not pay attention today?

Paul highlighted for me in Romans 1:22-25 how, from my lofty perch in my home in the forest above Olympia, I had lost sight of my First Love--GOD, who created that forest surrounding that home. I had traded Him for a big house, a pretty yard, an intellectually superior husband, financial security and lots of toys. I went to church, yes, I praised Him with singing, I had a fish on my car---but I had become proud and boastful.  Many times over the past year the thought has not escaped me, how many pictures I had on facebook of my home; or how walking into Costco now stung a little because I could no longer splurge on whatever I fancied. Pride and I had each other over a barrel: we OWNED each other.

Time and time and time again we see how God gently rescues His beloved from themselves, where the story goes like this: they think their world has come to an end; they feel like they've been blindsided; they only see rejection, grief, and loss...until one day Someone opens their eyes to the truth of their situation: RESCUE. GRACE. MERCY. BETTER-THINGS.  My exile from my home was NEVER a punishment (although I certainly deserved punishment). It was never a tool to teach me a lesson. It was never God saying you think you're a bigshot Trace, well let Me just show you what bigshot is... NO!  My exile was a blessing. Being saved from MYSELF was an act of kindness from a Father to His daughter, and Paul made that absolutely clear to me on this important weekend. 

"For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles"    ~Romans 1:21-23

45. Mirror Talk

As our hearts face, process, deal with, and eventually heal from their brokenness--betrayal, loss, disappointment-- we GROW. We grow UP, we grow STRONGER, we grow HEALTHIER. During the time of profound grief following a breakup this concept is nearly impossible to grasp. We think, there is no way I'll ever recover from this; no way I'll ever think of this event as simply an intersection in my life... NO!

There are times my Creator speaks to me, saying,  I'm here to tell you, by the name of Jesus who created you, who drives you, who created the entire universe yet is one hundred percent focused on YOU: you will get through this disappointment/ betrayal/loss/grief. You will be healthy and happy again!

Here is an exercise: hold up a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself you love yourself. It's good for you, and it makes God happy to hear you say those precious words to yourself. There is a lot of power in words. Just look at what your husband's words did to you! Now, if you know by your own evidence the power that lies in the tongue, then use that very power to lift yourself back up to the woman God created you to be. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say, out loud, to you: I will be healthy and happy again. God loves me, and I love me, too. God created me to be loved: I AM LOVE-ABLE.

Positive talk to the you in the mirror isn't easy in the beginning. While you're devastated it might even seem impossible; you may have to really force the words out BUT: it gets easier every time you do it. Keep in mind that when you tell yourself that you love you, you are also telling Jesus that you love Him, because He resides in you! He lives in you because He LOVES paradise, and you are paradise to Him! He WANTS to reside in you, He LOVES residing in you! He LOVES the you that He created. Tell Him! Tell you: I LOVE YOU!

42. Please Don't Let Go...!

In the opening scene from the 1993 film Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone, a young woman dangles perilously from a failed safety harness above a seemingly bottomless crevasse, high in the Colorado Rockies.  Stallone rushes to her aid, himself securely attached to solid lines, reaches out his hand, and grasps hers in a desperate attempt to keep her from falling to certain death. The struggle that follows reveals the terrified woman pleading, with all the heart-wrenching anguish she possesses, 'Please don't let go, don't let me go'!  It is a movie scene I'll never forget...


Last weekend I drove to my old city, Olympia.  I was scared to death--came close to chickening out and canceling more than once.  In nine months I had never been farther north than Woodland - just ten miles north of where I live now.  Traveling any further has always been too painful; simply out of the question.

On this day, July 31st, I had been invited to the birthday party of a very special little girl who lives in Olympia. She had been through a tough year with her mama, my dear friend Kim, having been deployed to Iraq.  She was turning 11 and her Aunt Tracy was expected to be there for the big event!  While the prospect of driving to Olympia terrified me, I simply could not disappoint my precious little friend by not attending her party, and I really did want to see the family.  I agreed to go, and determined to follow through on my promise come hell or high water.

The week preceding my drive up I had two or three moments of panic.  I was depressed and scared.  I did not think I'd mentally survive actually being in Olympia, driving the roads I know oh-so-well. Knowing I would be within a few miles of my home.  My husband.  My heartbreak. What if I got halfway there and froze? What if I got TO Olympia and froze? What if I got too scared to come back? All these questions and fears swirled around my head for a week.

When Saturday arrived I prayed most of the morning, and set out around 11 am.  As I approached the Woodland exit I felt the Spirit of the Lord in the car with me, with a calm manner and a sweet voice that simply said, in less than a mile we will be stepping into the river you fear so much.  The water will be very swift, and deep.  But I want you to know that you'll not be crossing the river alone; you will be on My back; I'll be carrying you, to the other side and back again.  You will return to this shore unscathed.  Are you ready, child...?

And then I was past Woodland.  And I was completely at peace.  The further north I drove, the more powerful my peace was.  My Creator kept asking how are you doing, Trace, and my answer was always, doing great, Father.  Over and over He said to me, just keep your eyes on the road and you'll see Me.  Before I knew it I reached my destination and found myself helping keep a half dozen ten-year-olds together.  I had a wonderful time!  On the drive back home, same thing:  nothing but peace.  Before I knew it I was crossing south through Woodland and back into Vancouver; home again safe and sound--and very, very happy.

Sometime later in the week I was praying and meditating on God's grace and mercy and I considered that opening scene in Cliffhanger.  I thought to myself:  God, who created the entire, vast universe, is like Stallone in that scene:  hanging on tightly to my hand while I dangle precariously above the crevasse, pleading with every ounce of my being for Him not to let go of me.  But I had it wrong.

His gentle spirit spoke again, saying no, child, it is not I who is secured to the rope, clinging tightly to your hand while you beg Me not to let go; you are the one safely secured, and I am begging you not to let go of Me. 


So great is the love of our Father, who keeps us safely secured without our even knowing it!  He created EVERYTHING we know; He owns it all--Psalm 50:10-11 says "For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird on the mountains, and all the animals of the field" --yet he begs us not to let go of Him.

Is there really any way at all to comprehend this?  I am at a loss to be able to do so.  Thinking about His vast love for me; His concern for me, is so comforting!  He truly is my rock--He is my new husband!  I am so in love with Him and so grateful for His grace.  My trip to Olympia last weekend, something I feared mightily, has given me new eyes with which to eagerly watch my future horizons.  I now have a solid MIRACLE in my arsenal to draw from when I need strength to do battle: when memories come calling, or depression comes crashing down, or fear tries to paralyze me.

My life will, from this day forward, never be the same!

40. Trace, Kind of All Over the Place...

I am sometimes utterly amazed when I watch God orchestrate goodness out of the messes we make.  His timing, His grace, His mercy...

Six and a half months ago I would never have believed anything positive could be made with, or of my life.  When someone would say to me Trace, there's a reason for everything, or God has a plan just be patient, it was tough to put much stock in that.  Sometimes I laugh about it.  Sometimes cry.  (Still.)  Sometimes get really mad.  Through it all, though, I've learned a lot about God:  His timing, His plan, His direction.

My situation, like so many divorce tragedies, begs the question:  Did God cause my husband to stop loving me?  (No.)  Did He cause me to have a broken heart just so I'd return to Him on a new level?  Is that how He works--does he arrange for people to grieve, to force their hand and get them to praise Him?  (No.)  If He didn't arrange it then, did God allow my marriage to be destroyed; and is he allowing me to experience absolute anguish 150 or so times a day?

The latter is a question that's been asked and debated by theologians, scholars, and poets for centuries, is it not?  How could a simple person like me answer this... I just cannot.  But I do have a theory:  I know God doesn't like sadness.  He doesn't like depression, anxiety, self-pity, or grief.  He doesn't want us to be heart-broken.  Yet, I cannot deny it:  I have grown in Christ since my heart was broken and my marriage stolen.  I've studied the Word much more; attended church more regularly.  Still, I prefer to believe I've also grown in Christ in spite of having my heart broken and marriage stolen, not just because of it.

When my separation was brand new and I was still completely numb with shock, I turned to the Bible for answers (and for peace) and two scriptures jumped off the page at me.  The first was shown to me at five in the morning after my first night in Spokane, and I eventually made it my sidebar quote for this blog:   "You asked 'who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?'   It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me" --Job 42:3

The second came a day or so later and became the foundation for a ministry I hope to start some day, working with women whose hearts have been broken through divorce or breakup:  "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect.  Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered" --Philippians 1:12

Did God give me peace on that first morning?  Definitely; peace wrapped in a blanket of wisdom.  Will my ministry launch?  I don't know... it's definitely a goal of mine.  If I am able to encourage just one woman whose life has been ripped apart by the words I don't love you anymore, my vision will be complete. God will be triumphant if His mere presence is shown to another doubtful broken heart.

And that will make my own journey a little more clear.

33. Some of my favorite poetry and quotes

"In the dark immensity of night
I stood upon a hill and watched the light
Of a star,
Soundless and beautiful and far.


A scientist standing there with me
Said, 'it is not the star you see,
But a glow
That left the star light years ago.'


People are like stars in a timeless sky;
The light of a good person's life shines high,
Golden and splendid
Long after his brief earth years are ended."
~ Grace V. Watkins

"Recovery seems far and distant,
The road to healing, a long and lonely one.
Stand by me.  Offer me your presence,
Your ears and your love.

Acknowledge my pain,
It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile.

A time will come when I heal,
And I will lend my renewed hope to others."
-Eloise Cole

"Wisdom is seeing the shape of your life
without obliterating...or getting over
a single instant of it."
~ Albert Huffstickler



"Pathological Narcissists only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V., from lisaescott.com

"There's no need to miss someone from your past; there's a reason they didn't make it into your future"   ~ unknown


"By the time you swear you're his, 
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, and undying,
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying."
--Dorothy Parker, 'Unfortunate Coincidence'




"I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played, and it pleased the Lord,
But--you  don't really care for music, do ya...
It goes like this:  a fourth, a fifth,
A Minor Fall, a major lift,
A baffled king composing
Hallelujah.
Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,
You saw her bathing on the roof, 
Her beauty--and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you to her kitchen chair,
Broke your throne,
Cut your hair, 
And from your lips she drew a
Hallelujah.
Maybe, there's a God above, but
All I've ever learned from love 
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken
Hallelujah... "
           ~Leonard Cohen

^"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

"Stop and turn around

My arms are open wide

Come and let Me hold you

and dry the tears you've cried

In My arms no one will hurt you,

in My arms you will be free

from all the painful memories

that now are destroying thee..."

~ Susan Carlson

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"  -Joseph Campbell