13. A Prayer, a Broom Bush, and a TURNING POINT!

Something strange and profound happened today. I made the realization that fat, lazy Sadness ANTs about Utah have no effect on me any more. The usual layer of dark blues that try to coat my little brain are losing their power over me. ALL my taunting memories from Utah have just sorta stopped bothering me at all. Huzzah! I'm taking this as a very good sign; a directional arrow pointing to the Big A (Acceptance!) Washington memories: you're next.

It's really weird, and totally out of my control: every single one of my memories of Utah, without exception, is being blocked by some kind of blessedly negative vibe that seems to be shielding my fragile self. For example: it's 5 degrees outside with frosty sunshine when I take Samuel to school. The six-weeks-ago Tracy would have shed a tear at the sight, being flooded with memories of Utah mornings crisp and bright with hoar frost shimmering everywhere. That in turn would have led to thinking about my happy little job at the ski resort, which would have led to meeting Rob for breakfast burritos at work... all snowballing into a big fat WAVE of depression.

Now I can't will myself to 'miss' anything about Utah. Even the very best memories seem to be blocked by some internal defense mechanism going UM NO, THAT WAS IN FACT NOT A GOOD TIME FOR YOU, REMEMBER YOU WERE IN THE THROES OF A DESPERATE WAITING GAME AND CONSTANTLY CRYING ABOUT BEING STRUNG ALONG??

Thank You God!! This is a gift. This is something from You. It all came about after I prayed a few days ago about the prophet Elijah. It seems he had been running for his life and was drop dead exhausted. He came to a lone broom bush in the desert and plopped his sorry, tired rear under it, saying okay Lord, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I can go absolutely no further, not one more step. I don't care what happens any more, I'm just too tired to go on. So this angel appeared and told him it was ok if he didn't want to run any more; that God just wanted Elijah to eat and drink something, and sleep. The angel provided some food and water and Elijah ate, drank, and slept until he was completely rested.

That's exactly where I was the other night. I was so weary from trying in vain to escape tormenting memories that were chasing me, and I finally pleaded with God, saying look, I'm like Elijah, here. I am exhausted and cannot run away any more. You simply must do something about these memories that are attacking me, because I don't have any strength left to fight them off.

And He said Tracy, rest. Rest assured, I give you My word those memories will no longer chase you. There I was, under my own dismal little broom bush, completely spent, and my Lord said OK you've had enough. I'm going to intervene now.