43. Lima Beans and Freight Trains

If you have kids, or if your sibling has kids, or if you ever babysat kids you know one thing for certain: kids like sweet things. Candy, cupcakes, gumballs. My daughter Courtney learned the fine art of faking a cough by the time she was four so she could have a hit of the yummy sweet red stuff Mom poured into a spoon. In the mind of a little kid there is absolutely nothing wrong with living off sweets: they know nothing about cavities or chocolate tummy aches, nor do they care. We, on the other hand, are all too aware of the consequences of devouring an entire econo-pak of jelly beans so we say NO.  Not only do we say NO, but in the same breath we say YOU ARE ARE GOING TO EAT LIMA BEANS TONIGHT WITH YOUR DINNER, because we want the child to grow strong healthy bones, not big painful cavities.

God is the adult. We are the child. Not only is God the adult, he is a RESPONSIBLE adult. He knows what is best for us, even when we have no clue. Nothing is more difficult to grasp than this truth when our world has fallen apart, but we must hold onto the knowledge that our Creator wants us to eat good food and grow.  There really is hope for us when we're stuck eating lima beans. If the path we're on for a time is keeping us from growing; if we've been pigging out on jujubes, rest assured he cares enough about us to take them away and serve us up some lima beans instead, not so we can wrinkle our nose and hang our head, but so we can grow, prosper, and flourish!

 

Along these lines, God showed me a cool lesson one day while I was observing a freight train in the Colombia River Gorge.
I was traveling east on Interstate 84 next to the wide, blue Columbia River. On the other side of the river, a long freight train was also heading east at about the same speed. It was the first time I had ever seen a moving freight train from end to end in it's entirety.  As I pondered this, God spoke to my heart saying, the train you see there is like someone's lifetime. There is a beginning and an end. Each car represents one year of the lifetime. As it moves down the track, a tiny ant is making its way over each and every car.  The ant started at the front of the train and it will finish its journey at the last car.  Each time the ant crosses onto another car it will have passed another year.

The ant cannot comprehend much of whichever car it is on, and it certainly cannot even begin to comprehend the entire train.  You, however, are able to see the entire train, from beginning to end, from your vantage point across the river.  You can see where the ant is headed and where it's been. You can see every car; every year, of it's journey.

God is sitting at the seat in which I sat that day, observing the train with its little ant. He knows where we've been and where we are headed. He knows exactly how many cars are on our train and what obstacles lie on each car. We may not be able to see past the end of our nose in terms of an entire lifetime, but we can take great comfort knowing that God does.

I do not know which car I'm traveling on right now, but it sure seems like a long one. I'm so thankful to know, however, that my Creator is across the river, watching me travel down the track, beginning to end.

A Post Worth Revisiting: Climbing a Mountain

"He knows what is best for me. My environment is of His determining. He means it to intensify my faith, to draw me into nearer communion with Himself, to ripen my power. In the dungeon my soul should prosper...so, let come what will come, His will is welcome; and I shall refuse to be offended in my loving Lord."
           ~Mrs. Charles Cowman's Streams in the Desert:

From my blog December 17, 2009:  45 days into my journey~

Yesterday I had coffee with my friend Lori. I told her how excited it was to be finally in a position of actually seeing God work in this heart-wrenching journey. I haven't known Lori very long, but every time I talk with her she lends a generous pastoral ear, offers sound advice, and gently keeps me grounded in reality. Lori faithfully reminded me that I'll continue to have ups and downs, or ebbs and flows as I continue on towards Life After Divorce; that there will still be times of confusion for me, except now I'll no longer be floating meaninglessly in open sea, going nowhere. Now my ebbs and flows have a sense of purpose and are directing me toward shore.

It was really important for me to hear that. Last night my head cold deteriorated and I started feeling really lousy. That in turn opened me up to some back territory: little stabs of depression and self pity. What little sleep I did get was interrupted by bad dreams. I awoke several times with a fever and coughing, and just had an all-around cruddy night.

This morning I was reminded of Lori's counsel that there will continue to be ups and downs. Had I not heard that yesterday I would have awakened this morning feeling like all my earlier successes were shot; I'd hopelessly feel like I'm never going to find peace. Sitting at the table of reality is such a fine place to be! Of course there are going to be ups and downs in my future. Clearing one hurdle doesn't mean through with the race is through. The devotion above helps remind me that God is sending me UP this mountain slowly, one step at a time. Sometimes I'll slip and fall back but when I do I'll re-climb in steps already planted into the mountainside. These little slips backward only serve to nurture, fuel, and validate my climb.

I will never be offended that my Lord is doing what is absolutely best for me; that He has a plan for a much, much better life for me.

42. Please Don't Let Go...!

In the opening scene from the 1993 film Cliffhanger starring Sylvester Stallone, a young woman dangles perilously from a failed safety harness above a seemingly bottomless crevasse, high in the Colorado Rockies.  Stallone rushes to her aid, himself securely attached to solid lines, reaches out his hand, and grasps hers in a desperate attempt to keep her from falling to certain death. The struggle that follows reveals the terrified woman pleading, with all the heart-wrenching anguish she possesses, 'Please don't let go, don't let me go'!  It is a movie scene I'll never forget...


Last weekend I drove to my old city, Olympia.  I was scared to death--came close to chickening out and canceling more than once.  In nine months I had never been farther north than Woodland - just ten miles north of where I live now.  Traveling any further has always been too painful; simply out of the question.

On this day, July 31st, I had been invited to the birthday party of a very special little girl who lives in Olympia. She had been through a tough year with her mama, my dear friend Kim, having been deployed to Iraq.  She was turning 11 and her Aunt Tracy was expected to be there for the big event!  While the prospect of driving to Olympia terrified me, I simply could not disappoint my precious little friend by not attending her party, and I really did want to see the family.  I agreed to go, and determined to follow through on my promise come hell or high water.

The week preceding my drive up I had two or three moments of panic.  I was depressed and scared.  I did not think I'd mentally survive actually being in Olympia, driving the roads I know oh-so-well. Knowing I would be within a few miles of my home.  My husband.  My heartbreak. What if I got halfway there and froze? What if I got TO Olympia and froze? What if I got too scared to come back? All these questions and fears swirled around my head for a week.

When Saturday arrived I prayed most of the morning, and set out around 11 am.  As I approached the Woodland exit I felt the Spirit of the Lord in the car with me, with a calm manner and a sweet voice that simply said, in less than a mile we will be stepping into the river you fear so much.  The water will be very swift, and deep.  But I want you to know that you'll not be crossing the river alone; you will be on My back; I'll be carrying you, to the other side and back again.  You will return to this shore unscathed.  Are you ready, child...?

And then I was past Woodland.  And I was completely at peace.  The further north I drove, the more powerful my peace was.  My Creator kept asking how are you doing, Trace, and my answer was always, doing great, Father.  Over and over He said to me, just keep your eyes on the road and you'll see Me.  Before I knew it I reached my destination and found myself helping keep a half dozen ten-year-olds together.  I had a wonderful time!  On the drive back home, same thing:  nothing but peace.  Before I knew it I was crossing south through Woodland and back into Vancouver; home again safe and sound--and very, very happy.

Sometime later in the week I was praying and meditating on God's grace and mercy and I considered that opening scene in Cliffhanger.  I thought to myself:  God, who created the entire, vast universe, is like Stallone in that scene:  hanging on tightly to my hand while I dangle precariously above the crevasse, pleading with every ounce of my being for Him not to let go of me.  But I had it wrong.

His gentle spirit spoke again, saying no, child, it is not I who is secured to the rope, clinging tightly to your hand while you beg Me not to let go; you are the one safely secured, and I am begging you not to let go of Me. 


So great is the love of our Father, who keeps us safely secured without our even knowing it!  He created EVERYTHING we know; He owns it all--Psalm 50:10-11 says "For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird on the mountains, and all the animals of the field" --yet he begs us not to let go of Him.

Is there really any way at all to comprehend this?  I am at a loss to be able to do so.  Thinking about His vast love for me; His concern for me, is so comforting!  He truly is my rock--He is my new husband!  I am so in love with Him and so grateful for His grace.  My trip to Olympia last weekend, something I feared mightily, has given me new eyes with which to eagerly watch my future horizons.  I now have a solid MIRACLE in my arsenal to draw from when I need strength to do battle: when memories come calling, or depression comes crashing down, or fear tries to paralyze me.

My life will, from this day forward, never be the same!

41. My Dear Dad

Once when I was 17 my dad came home from work early to find me not in school, and sitting at the dining table with red puffy eyes.  He asked why I was home, and why I was crying.  My boyfriend had broken up with me--and it was simply the end of life as I knew it!

Dad didn't lecture me about cutting school, nor did he work on the project he had come home early for.  Instead he took me by the arm, handed me some kleenex and said we're going for a drive.  I didn't feel like talking and he didn't ask one question.  My teenage heart had been broken and he allowed me the space I needed to process that.

Ten years before, my brother and I had spent our weekends and summers at a place called Lost Isle.  It was an island in the Sacramento Delta where Dad had lived for a time.  Accessible only by boat, we would meet every Friday night at the marina and head off to the island.  My brother and I knew every square inch of the island and all it's boat slips.  We were completely at home running up and down the docks and hanging our feet in the water.  We knew the smell of creosote and two-stroke fuel.  We knew who owned every boat there, which were ski boats, which were cruisers, and which were lazy houseboats.  Lost Isle, and other boat docks, were a huge part of my childhood.

On the day Dad found me ditching school and crying, he drove me to Light 29 Marina on the Sacramento River.  The smell of the creosote, the gentle rocking of the docks, and the squeaking of the slip bladders all brought great joy to me as memories of my earlier childhood came flooding back.  We had lunch at the dingy little diner on the marina, cheeseburgers and cokes.  By the time we returned home I was smiling again.

Today, Alzheimer's Disease ravages my dad.  He is quickly losing his battle; deteriorating before our eyes.  He has had Alzheimer's for a long time but fortunately remained in the early stages of the disease for a long time, with small bouts of forgetfulness here and there.  Now he has entered into a late stage and has been placed in a memory care center to keep him safe.

Three months ago, Dad began showing signs he might be slipping further into his dementia.  He was very sad and depressed.  I decided to surprise him with a day trip, just the two of us.  Remembering the day 32 years earlier when he took me to Light 29 for some cheering up, I helped him put his deck shoes on and drove him to a marina in Portland for lunch and a personalized tour.  We saw many beautiful boats, but Dad didn't really seem to understand where he was or what we were doing.  He just smiled quietly the entire time we were there.  It was a sad but beautiful day for me.

Dad always said life goes on.  Someday he will be gone, and I'll miss him very much.  But life will go on, and I will take the gems I learned from Dad with me while I continue on my own journey, and I will be at peace.

40. Trace, Kind of All Over the Place...

I am sometimes utterly amazed when I watch God orchestrate goodness out of the messes we make.  His timing, His grace, His mercy...

Six and a half months ago I would never have believed anything positive could be made with, or of my life.  When someone would say to me Trace, there's a reason for everything, or God has a plan just be patient, it was tough to put much stock in that.  Sometimes I laugh about it.  Sometimes cry.  (Still.)  Sometimes get really mad.  Through it all, though, I've learned a lot about God:  His timing, His plan, His direction.

My situation, like so many divorce tragedies, begs the question:  Did God cause my husband to stop loving me?  (No.)  Did He cause me to have a broken heart just so I'd return to Him on a new level?  Is that how He works--does he arrange for people to grieve, to force their hand and get them to praise Him?  (No.)  If He didn't arrange it then, did God allow my marriage to be destroyed; and is he allowing me to experience absolute anguish 150 or so times a day?

The latter is a question that's been asked and debated by theologians, scholars, and poets for centuries, is it not?  How could a simple person like me answer this... I just cannot.  But I do have a theory:  I know God doesn't like sadness.  He doesn't like depression, anxiety, self-pity, or grief.  He doesn't want us to be heart-broken.  Yet, I cannot deny it:  I have grown in Christ since my heart was broken and my marriage stolen.  I've studied the Word much more; attended church more regularly.  Still, I prefer to believe I've also grown in Christ in spite of having my heart broken and marriage stolen, not just because of it.

When my separation was brand new and I was still completely numb with shock, I turned to the Bible for answers (and for peace) and two scriptures jumped off the page at me.  The first was shown to me at five in the morning after my first night in Spokane, and I eventually made it my sidebar quote for this blog:   "You asked 'who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?'   It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me" --Job 42:3

The second came a day or so later and became the foundation for a ministry I hope to start some day, working with women whose hearts have been broken through divorce or breakup:  "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect.  Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered" --Philippians 1:12

Did God give me peace on that first morning?  Definitely; peace wrapped in a blanket of wisdom.  Will my ministry launch?  I don't know... it's definitely a goal of mine.  If I am able to encourage just one woman whose life has been ripped apart by the words I don't love you anymore, my vision will be complete. God will be triumphant if His mere presence is shown to another doubtful broken heart.

And that will make my own journey a little more clear.

37. King David and me

It occurred to me the other day that my posts are a set of serious mood swings!  I shared my concern with Kim and she immediately reminded me about King David. The Book of Psalms, 150 chapters of sacred poems composed primarily by a man referred to as having a heart 'most like God's', is a collection of incredibly diverse emotions and feelings.  


Dr. Jerry Vines www.jerryvines.com writes:
"In many ways the Christian life is no different from the life of any other person. Life has its good days and its bad days. You will experienceups and downs in life. Life very often is a series of hills and valleys. That's one of the reasons I enjoy reading the book of Psalms. 

The book of Psalms is a book written especially for the human emotions. Every possible range of human emotions can be found in the book of Psalms. The Psalmists pluck every string of the human emotion.

Sometimes the Psalmist wrote and said, "Out of the depths I cried unto you." On other occasions he writes a Psalm and it says, "The lions have fallen out unto me in pleasant places." So I like the Psalms because they deal with these mood swings, with these differences in human emotions.

There are many people who have a hard time dealing with the changing circumstances and the variety of moods which come to them in life. It's not easy for them to cope with these mood swings. There are some, of course, who have mood swings which are chemically driven. There are mood swings which have to do with chemical malfunctions in the brain. There are times when people need to have Christian care and Christian counseling and Christian medicine to help them get through some of these brain disorders that may come. These are more severe. These are more serious mood swings which some people have to deal with.

Some people have to deal with issues of depression, and they are not able to get themselves out of the tank of depression and they need some specialized Christian care to help them through that difficulty.

I'm not dealing so much with those kinds of severe mood swings this evening as I am just dealing with the things that seem to come to all of us. I want to talk with you a little bit tonight about these mood swings which are specifically mentioned in these verses, and I want you to see that God is available to us in all of these times of different emotional experiences.

In the book of Psalms, Psalm 31, verse 15, he says, "My times are in Your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me." There is no time or circumstance or mood that you will go through which is beyond the ability of God to help.


Deuteronomy 33: 25, says, "As your days, so shall your strength be." That means that whatever you are going though on any particular day, God can give you the strength, and God can help you to get through that particular time."
~ Dr. Jerry Vines
   February 27, 2005


I believe everyone has mood swings; this is how we are wired.  I believe God knew exactly what He was doing when He designed our personalities; when he wrote out our emotions and feelings.  I believe God makes NO mistakes.  The ups and downs illustrated in my blog identify who I am right now:  an intelligent woman who's porcelain heart has been smashed into tiny shards.  I refuse to be fearful of sharing my pain.   If I feel victorious one day I will praise God, sing, write, create.  And if I crash to into the valley the next day I will whimper, question, and cry out to God.  Walking through a valley after standing on a mountain top is NOT a sign of defeat, it's a testament to who, how, and what we are!

36. Who Gave You the Keys to my Soul?

Today is May 1st.  Six months ago today I hit that highway.  Half a year has gone by, the hardest, most gut-wrenching experience I've ever imagined could happen.

Tracy, Bright and Dark
Some days I wake up in the morning and an inkling of hope dances in the air: I'm motivated to live again.  I hop out of bed, fix coffee, and go for a walk. How I love those mornings!  Other days,  however, I wake up aware of only the ticking of my parents' grandfather clock; nothing more. The rest of the world is blank, and I know it's going to be a dark day.  On those days I'm more aware of my physical pain, also.  My shoulders, wrists and ankles ache from the pain of my arthritis.  I get up and usually go right back to bed, afraid and unmotivated to face my world.  These are the days I ask God:

Why is it that my husband is allowed to have so much control over how I feel?  Why am I not strong enough to throw him out of my head?

Why does he have the power to make me sooo angry at myself?  Who gave him that power???

Why does he have the power to rob me of the motivation to get a job... to write... to take pictures... to sing... to pray?  To get out of bed?

Why does he have the power to rob me of my joy?  Who gave him the keys to my soul?

When will I be able to retake control of my own happiness:  not medication-happiness?  When will I stop being afraid of my future?