Today is May 1st. Six months ago today I hit that highway. Half a year has gone by, the hardest, most gut-wrenching experience I've ever imagined could happen.
Tracy, Bright and Dark
Some days I wake up in the morning and an inkling of hope dances in the air: I'm motivated to live again. I hop out of bed, fix coffee, and go for a walk. How I love those mornings! Other days, however, I wake up aware of only the ticking of my parents' grandfather clock; nothing more. The rest of the world is blank, and I know it's going to be a dark day. On those days I'm more aware of my physical pain, also. My shoulders, wrists and ankles ache from the pain of my arthritis. I get up and usually go right back to bed, afraid and unmotivated to face my world. These are the days I ask God:
Why is it that my husband is allowed to have so much control over how I feel? Why am I not strong enough to throw him out of my head?
Why does he have the power to make me sooo angry at myself? Who gave him that power???
Why does he have the power to rob me of the motivation to get a job... to write... to take pictures... to sing... to pray? To get out of bed?
Why does he have the power to rob me of my joy? Who gave him the keys to my soul?
When will I be able to retake control of my own happiness: not medication-happiness? When will I stop being afraid of my future?
Hello Tracy, I know this has been incredibly hard on you. I went through a similiar experience and its still 'hurting' although a year has gone by. I said hurting with open and close inverted commas because its a different kind of hurt Im feeling these days. I feel nauseated, disgusted by his actions and yet, I can't deny - I do still harbour a tiny bit of hope whenever my phone rings and its a private number, which gave me hope that it could be him. And yet, even as I was sitting there with a ringing phone in my hand at 11pm, I do not answer it. I do not want to answer it, if its him - I do not know if I have the guts to hang up on him and if I do or do not, emotionally I know I would have deteriorated. And if its not him, I know I will be slightly disappointed. It was only recently that I chanced upon the subject on Narcissism, on Serial Cheaters, and realised he was every bit of it. It was treachery, he had it planned for me to fall. He had it planned to alienate me from his family, poisoning their minds, setting me up for failure. It was not because I wasn't good enough. He was/is so heartless, I have never come across anyone like that and hope never will again. When we parted, I almost wanted to end my life. Give yourself time, the more you read about the subject, the more you will understand its about them, its not us. We deserve much better! Do not give him the benefit to see you in a sorry state, that is what he wants. Chin up babe! :) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rain. You are so right, knowledge is power, and power is healing. I do indeed inch forward a tiny little bit by reading more about narcissism. Blessings! -tracy
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