45. Mirror Talk

As our hearts face, process, deal with, and eventually heal from their brokenness--betrayal, loss, disappointment-- we GROW. We grow UP, we grow STRONGER, we grow HEALTHIER. During the time of profound grief following a breakup this concept is nearly impossible to grasp. We think, there is no way I'll ever recover from this; no way I'll ever think of this event as simply an intersection in my life... NO!

There are times my Creator speaks to me, saying,  I'm here to tell you, by the name of Jesus who created you, who drives you, who created the entire universe yet is one hundred percent focused on YOU: you will get through this disappointment/ betrayal/loss/grief. You will be healthy and happy again!

Here is an exercise: hold up a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself you love yourself. It's good for you, and it makes God happy to hear you say those precious words to yourself. There is a lot of power in words. Just look at what your husband's words did to you! Now, if you know by your own evidence the power that lies in the tongue, then use that very power to lift yourself back up to the woman God created you to be. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say, out loud, to you: I will be healthy and happy again. God loves me, and I love me, too. God created me to be loved: I AM LOVE-ABLE.

Positive talk to the you in the mirror isn't easy in the beginning. While you're devastated it might even seem impossible; you may have to really force the words out BUT: it gets easier every time you do it. Keep in mind that when you tell yourself that you love you, you are also telling Jesus that you love Him, because He resides in you! He lives in you because He LOVES paradise, and you are paradise to Him! He WANTS to reside in you, He LOVES residing in you! He LOVES the you that He created. Tell Him! Tell you: I LOVE YOU!

A Post Worth Revisiting: Climbing a Mountain

"He knows what is best for me. My environment is of His determining. He means it to intensify my faith, to draw me into nearer communion with Himself, to ripen my power. In the dungeon my soul should prosper...so, let come what will come, His will is welcome; and I shall refuse to be offended in my loving Lord."
           ~Mrs. Charles Cowman's Streams in the Desert:

From my blog December 17, 2009:  45 days into my journey~

Yesterday I had coffee with my friend Lori. I told her how excited it was to be finally in a position of actually seeing God work in this heart-wrenching journey. I haven't known Lori very long, but every time I talk with her she lends a generous pastoral ear, offers sound advice, and gently keeps me grounded in reality. Lori faithfully reminded me that I'll continue to have ups and downs, or ebbs and flows as I continue on towards Life After Divorce; that there will still be times of confusion for me, except now I'll no longer be floating meaninglessly in open sea, going nowhere. Now my ebbs and flows have a sense of purpose and are directing me toward shore.

It was really important for me to hear that. Last night my head cold deteriorated and I started feeling really lousy. That in turn opened me up to some back territory: little stabs of depression and self pity. What little sleep I did get was interrupted by bad dreams. I awoke several times with a fever and coughing, and just had an all-around cruddy night.

This morning I was reminded of Lori's counsel that there will continue to be ups and downs. Had I not heard that yesterday I would have awakened this morning feeling like all my earlier successes were shot; I'd hopelessly feel like I'm never going to find peace. Sitting at the table of reality is such a fine place to be! Of course there are going to be ups and downs in my future. Clearing one hurdle doesn't mean through with the race is through. The devotion above helps remind me that God is sending me UP this mountain slowly, one step at a time. Sometimes I'll slip and fall back but when I do I'll re-climb in steps already planted into the mountainside. These little slips backward only serve to nurture, fuel, and validate my climb.

I will never be offended that my Lord is doing what is absolutely best for me; that He has a plan for a much, much better life for me.

37. King David and me

It occurred to me the other day that my posts are a set of serious mood swings!  I shared my concern with Kim and she immediately reminded me about King David. The Book of Psalms, 150 chapters of sacred poems composed primarily by a man referred to as having a heart 'most like God's', is a collection of incredibly diverse emotions and feelings.  


Dr. Jerry Vines www.jerryvines.com writes:
"In many ways the Christian life is no different from the life of any other person. Life has its good days and its bad days. You will experienceups and downs in life. Life very often is a series of hills and valleys. That's one of the reasons I enjoy reading the book of Psalms. 

The book of Psalms is a book written especially for the human emotions. Every possible range of human emotions can be found in the book of Psalms. The Psalmists pluck every string of the human emotion.

Sometimes the Psalmist wrote and said, "Out of the depths I cried unto you." On other occasions he writes a Psalm and it says, "The lions have fallen out unto me in pleasant places." So I like the Psalms because they deal with these mood swings, with these differences in human emotions.

There are many people who have a hard time dealing with the changing circumstances and the variety of moods which come to them in life. It's not easy for them to cope with these mood swings. There are some, of course, who have mood swings which are chemically driven. There are mood swings which have to do with chemical malfunctions in the brain. There are times when people need to have Christian care and Christian counseling and Christian medicine to help them get through some of these brain disorders that may come. These are more severe. These are more serious mood swings which some people have to deal with.

Some people have to deal with issues of depression, and they are not able to get themselves out of the tank of depression and they need some specialized Christian care to help them through that difficulty.

I'm not dealing so much with those kinds of severe mood swings this evening as I am just dealing with the things that seem to come to all of us. I want to talk with you a little bit tonight about these mood swings which are specifically mentioned in these verses, and I want you to see that God is available to us in all of these times of different emotional experiences.

In the book of Psalms, Psalm 31, verse 15, he says, "My times are in Your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me." There is no time or circumstance or mood that you will go through which is beyond the ability of God to help.


Deuteronomy 33: 25, says, "As your days, so shall your strength be." That means that whatever you are going though on any particular day, God can give you the strength, and God can help you to get through that particular time."
~ Dr. Jerry Vines
   February 27, 2005


I believe everyone has mood swings; this is how we are wired.  I believe God knew exactly what He was doing when He designed our personalities; when he wrote out our emotions and feelings.  I believe God makes NO mistakes.  The ups and downs illustrated in my blog identify who I am right now:  an intelligent woman who's porcelain heart has been smashed into tiny shards.  I refuse to be fearful of sharing my pain.   If I feel victorious one day I will praise God, sing, write, create.  And if I crash to into the valley the next day I will whimper, question, and cry out to God.  Walking through a valley after standing on a mountain top is NOT a sign of defeat, it's a testament to who, how, and what we are!

36. Who Gave You the Keys to my Soul?

Today is May 1st.  Six months ago today I hit that highway.  Half a year has gone by, the hardest, most gut-wrenching experience I've ever imagined could happen.

Tracy, Bright and Dark
Some days I wake up in the morning and an inkling of hope dances in the air: I'm motivated to live again.  I hop out of bed, fix coffee, and go for a walk. How I love those mornings!  Other days,  however, I wake up aware of only the ticking of my parents' grandfather clock; nothing more. The rest of the world is blank, and I know it's going to be a dark day.  On those days I'm more aware of my physical pain, also.  My shoulders, wrists and ankles ache from the pain of my arthritis.  I get up and usually go right back to bed, afraid and unmotivated to face my world.  These are the days I ask God:

Why is it that my husband is allowed to have so much control over how I feel?  Why am I not strong enough to throw him out of my head?

Why does he have the power to make me sooo angry at myself?  Who gave him that power???

Why does he have the power to rob me of the motivation to get a job... to write... to take pictures... to sing... to pray?  To get out of bed?

Why does he have the power to rob me of my joy?  Who gave him the keys to my soul?

When will I be able to retake control of my own happiness:  not medication-happiness?  When will I stop being afraid of my future?