23. Valentine's Day

"I've heard there was a secret chord

that David played, and it pleased the Lord

but, you don't really care for music, do ya?

It goes like this: a fourth, a fifth,

a minor fall--a major lift

the baffled king composing Hallelujah!"

-Leonard Cohen

Mr. Cohen's famous song was performed yesterday at the opening ceremony for the 2010 Olympics, by one of my favorite singers of all time, KD Lange. Her rendition of the incredible song was one of the most profoundly moving performances that I've ever seen or heard in my lifetime. The performance immediately went up for sale on iTunes and I bought it--it's been haunting me all night and all day today. When I listen to it I get goosebumps, and tears come to my eyes! It's absolutely moving.


Today is Valentine's Day. I think it's really cool that this song is at the forefront of my thoughts, because really the story of David is one of the most compelling love stories in the entire Bible. I feel close to this king. His ups and downs have been an integral part of my own healing process; I've drawn a lot of strength from his experiences. His weaknesses. His humanness.

Today I slept in and decided not to even get dressed. Because I can! Last night went to the mall and bought myself some much-needed shoes and make-up. What an incredible difference my solo journey around the mall was from the one in Spokane three months ago. I had a smile on my face; enjoyed seeing people, got some exercise--and not even the Valentine stuff everywhere bothered me. Thank You, God, for bringing me such a long way!


I'm enjoying listening to music, burning some new CDs, and just relaxing. Have decided that beginning tomorrow, Monday, I'm going to set my alarm for 0700 every day and haul my ass out of bed. I'll make some coffee, do my Bible study, check my email and be doing some sort of exercise by 8 every day, either walking, riding mom's bike, or just stretching and doing some yoga.


Started seeing a medical doctor, a psychiatrist last week.  Dr. J -- my new best friend. He will be tapering me off my anti-depressant Prozac, which I've been taking for years. He believes it is contributing to wild mood swings, which he says I do NOT have to put up with. Wow. Is that what my big crashing dark waves are? I really, really like this doctor. We connected well and he called me 'trace' which is something I love after meeting a person for the first time. Since childhood that has been an odd little thing that puts me at ease with strangers.


He also wants me to take a very, very small dose of xanax every day for a while. I think it will be during my prozac withdrawl period? The dose is small enough to be calming but not make me sleepy; one-sixth of a mg per day. Better get a pill cutter, those are some tiny chunks!  I have no reason to hide anything I learn from my psychiatrist, and will update this journal after every visit. I'm going to continue my telephone sessions with Gayle also, and look forward to one this Tuesday.


Dr. J told me he believes I have some fairly impressive obsessive tendencies and we'll explore that further in future visits. Like the memory boxes of little things I stubbornly hold on to from my childhood as well as both my girls' childhood; Dr. J believes I'm 'hoarding' my memories of life with Rob. (He didn't use that term). In spite of the fact that I was treated very poorly by him, I allow the good memories to arise and take over, and keep those securely in my head because that's as close to physically touching, seeing, and smelling Rob I can get: there is no memory box full of trinkets to represent smiles, words, and times together. So, my brain creates 'it's own form of trinket' in vivid memories. Makes a lot of sense to me. As soon as we get my mood swings leveled out we'll look at letting go of my peculiar 'memory box'.

22. Another Corner... the Start of Goodbye

"A primary feeling response to a loss is fear. 'How will I get along without him/her?' Anger is one of the most common ways we express our fear. Our society taught us to be afraid of our sad feelings. It also taught us to be afraid of being afraid."
~John James, Grief Recovery Institute

Last night I got another present from Above: from my fabulous book When the Vow Breaks by Warren Kniskern, a sample letter to a dumping spouse, letting go and saying goodbye.

Mr. Kniskern's words were so true, so right ON, and so inspirational. After having read this 'letter' half a dozen times I am girding up to finally prepare to let go of Rob, cut ties with him permanently, and move ahead with my life.

I spoke to Rob six days ago, when he called me looking for W2 forms. Although he (once again) promised to call again later, he did not. It is no surprise. Kniskern's letter forced me to ask myself: why do I allow myself to be set up for disappointment over and over by this man? Is it not obvious to me that he wants nothing to do with me... that he has bailed out of his commitment to me and is not coming back? That I'm never going to see my home again? Am I this thick-headed?

The memories can now go to hell. I want nothing to do with them. Once bright and fun, they now serve only to attack me and bring me down. I will not allow it any longer; I'm releasing them ALL, along with Rob. When this is over I want nothing to do with him, do not ever want to see him again. I will do everything in my power to erase him from my memory. He will be dead to me, that's how it must be for me to get healthy. I do not want to be friends with him.

Now I know I must forgo school and get work right away, cannot be without health insurance. Once that is secured I intend to file divorce papers and tell Rob goodbye. I will no longer allow him to have the power over me to make me feel depressed, disappointed, anguished. He walked away from our marriage; I loved him more than life. He chose to leave and be on his own; I was deliriously happy with him and wanted to be his wife until time's end. He made his bed... I'm simply honoring his desire to end this relationship.

One last thing about author Kniskern. When I started reading his book a couple of months ago I thought his unwanted divorce had come after 15 or 20 years of marriage. I knew that he had been the unwilling spouse; the non-initiator he calls it, but I did not learn until last night, after I read his sample goodbye to you letter that his divorce circumstances were actually a lot like mine in two areas: one, he was only married five years. Rob and I were together five years.

Two, his spouse completely took him by surprise with her demand for a divorce. Like Rob, she had only days before confirmed her love to her spouse. Her affirmation had been in the form of a sweet card; mine was in the form of a delightful weekend together, capped off with an intimate bonfire in the woods.

Regardless of how, both of our relatively new spouses projected absolute happiness just days prior to their proclamation of independence. Mr. Kniskern and I were each thrown to the ground; gut-kicked by our spouse of only a few years, each of whom had recently expressed profound happiness in the marriage. This realization helped me hone in on the wisdom and insight Kniskern provides in his book, pushing me to put aside my silly schoolgirl antics of calling Rob and waiting by the phone for him to call back; to start thinking seriously about my SELF, the unspeakable trauma that that SELF has been through, and how the time has come to start treating that SELF with some respect and dignity.

Again, the memories I have with Robby will hopefully be severed soon, and they can go straight to hell. As for Rob himself, I pray for his relationships, with God, with family, and frankly, with himself (because soon that's all he'll have left, until the next unsuspecting woman with her head in the clouds comes along, admiring his white engineer's hat and his big house in the woods).

Good bye to YOU, Rob.