22. Another Corner... the Start of Goodbye

"A primary feeling response to a loss is fear. 'How will I get along without him/her?' Anger is one of the most common ways we express our fear. Our society taught us to be afraid of our sad feelings. It also taught us to be afraid of being afraid."
~John James, Grief Recovery Institute

Last night I got another present from Above: from my fabulous book When the Vow Breaks by Warren Kniskern, a sample letter to a dumping spouse, letting go and saying goodbye.

Mr. Kniskern's words were so true, so right ON, and so inspirational. After having read this 'letter' half a dozen times I am girding up to finally prepare to let go of Rob, cut ties with him permanently, and move ahead with my life.

I spoke to Rob six days ago, when he called me looking for W2 forms. Although he (once again) promised to call again later, he did not. It is no surprise. Kniskern's letter forced me to ask myself: why do I allow myself to be set up for disappointment over and over by this man? Is it not obvious to me that he wants nothing to do with me... that he has bailed out of his commitment to me and is not coming back? That I'm never going to see my home again? Am I this thick-headed?

The memories can now go to hell. I want nothing to do with them. Once bright and fun, they now serve only to attack me and bring me down. I will not allow it any longer; I'm releasing them ALL, along with Rob. When this is over I want nothing to do with him, do not ever want to see him again. I will do everything in my power to erase him from my memory. He will be dead to me, that's how it must be for me to get healthy. I do not want to be friends with him.

Now I know I must forgo school and get work right away, cannot be without health insurance. Once that is secured I intend to file divorce papers and tell Rob goodbye. I will no longer allow him to have the power over me to make me feel depressed, disappointed, anguished. He walked away from our marriage; I loved him more than life. He chose to leave and be on his own; I was deliriously happy with him and wanted to be his wife until time's end. He made his bed... I'm simply honoring his desire to end this relationship.

One last thing about author Kniskern. When I started reading his book a couple of months ago I thought his unwanted divorce had come after 15 or 20 years of marriage. I knew that he had been the unwilling spouse; the non-initiator he calls it, but I did not learn until last night, after I read his sample goodbye to you letter that his divorce circumstances were actually a lot like mine in two areas: one, he was only married five years. Rob and I were together five years.

Two, his spouse completely took him by surprise with her demand for a divorce. Like Rob, she had only days before confirmed her love to her spouse. Her affirmation had been in the form of a sweet card; mine was in the form of a delightful weekend together, capped off with an intimate bonfire in the woods.

Regardless of how, both of our relatively new spouses projected absolute happiness just days prior to their proclamation of independence. Mr. Kniskern and I were each thrown to the ground; gut-kicked by our spouse of only a few years, each of whom had recently expressed profound happiness in the marriage. This realization helped me hone in on the wisdom and insight Kniskern provides in his book, pushing me to put aside my silly schoolgirl antics of calling Rob and waiting by the phone for him to call back; to start thinking seriously about my SELF, the unspeakable trauma that that SELF has been through, and how the time has come to start treating that SELF with some respect and dignity.

Again, the memories I have with Robby will hopefully be severed soon, and they can go straight to hell. As for Rob himself, I pray for his relationships, with God, with family, and frankly, with himself (because soon that's all he'll have left, until the next unsuspecting woman with her head in the clouds comes along, admiring his white engineer's hat and his big house in the woods).

Good bye to YOU, Rob.