33. Some of my favorite poetry and quotes

"In the dark immensity of night
I stood upon a hill and watched the light
Of a star,
Soundless and beautiful and far.


A scientist standing there with me
Said, 'it is not the star you see,
But a glow
That left the star light years ago.'


People are like stars in a timeless sky;
The light of a good person's life shines high,
Golden and splendid
Long after his brief earth years are ended."
~ Grace V. Watkins

"Recovery seems far and distant,
The road to healing, a long and lonely one.
Stand by me.  Offer me your presence,
Your ears and your love.

Acknowledge my pain,
It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile.

A time will come when I heal,
And I will lend my renewed hope to others."
-Eloise Cole

"Wisdom is seeing the shape of your life
without obliterating...or getting over
a single instant of it."
~ Albert Huffstickler



"Pathological Narcissists only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V., from lisaescott.com

"There's no need to miss someone from your past; there's a reason they didn't make it into your future"   ~ unknown


"By the time you swear you're his, 
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, and undying,
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying."
--Dorothy Parker, 'Unfortunate Coincidence'




"I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played, and it pleased the Lord,
But--you  don't really care for music, do ya...
It goes like this:  a fourth, a fifth,
A Minor Fall, a major lift,
A baffled king composing
Hallelujah.
Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,
You saw her bathing on the roof, 
Her beauty--and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you to her kitchen chair,
Broke your throne,
Cut your hair, 
And from your lips she drew a
Hallelujah.
Maybe, there's a God above, but
All I've ever learned from love 
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken
Hallelujah... "
           ~Leonard Cohen

^"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

"Stop and turn around

My arms are open wide

Come and let Me hold you

and dry the tears you've cried

In My arms no one will hurt you,

in My arms you will be free

from all the painful memories

that now are destroying thee..."

~ Susan Carlson

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"  -Joseph Campbell

31. Getting By

The time I spend in fellowship with God has decreased.  I'm human--subject to human frailty, human limitations, human failures.  No one knows I need to spend more time with God than me.  (Except God.)  I can wake up and say today I'll get back into the Word, and start praying more till the cows come home but until I get that real happiness, peace, and joy is tied to those things, I will have to be content just getting through each day.

And getting through each day is exactly what I am doing now.  Some days happiness abounds, most days sadness, or worse... apathy rules the day.  Blank, complacent emptiness.  Exactly what the enemy of God wants.  Let's face it, if we are in a state of happiness and joy we thank God and offer Him praise.  If we're in a state of grief and sadness we beg God and ask him to help us out.   Either way, we're relating with our Creator.  It's when we feel neither joy nor sadness; neither thankfulness nor self pity; just plain apathy, that we're most likely to ignore God.   When there is no reason to commune with Him--that's when complacency settles in.  That's when the enemy celebrates.

I can just see the angels on apathy day:  jumping around, yelling our name, shaking us by the lapel, shouting hey... wake UP!  Don't you know the Creator adores you?  Don't you know He's calling your name right this very moment?  He wants to chat with you!  He wants to hold you, look you in the face, smile on you!  Don't ignore Him, talk to him!  Read His word, learn about Him.  Don't let Satan keep you fat and lazy... take back your joy!  Sing, dance, praise Him!  Do something.

Or don't.  And get by.

30. A New Trauma

Yesterday marked the five month anniversary of the day I woke up on the floor of my granddaughter's bedroom in Spokane, WA to the sickening realization that my husband no longer loved me.  Today Kim and I are in Spokane for an Easter visit with Courtney and her family.  All has been going smoothly; awesome visit, fun time with grandbabies, hugs all around.

Yesterday morning around 9 a.m. my daughter Kimberly calmly walked to the sofa, sat down, and had a massive grand mal seizure.  No one in my family has ever had a seizure.  Or even seen a seizure.

The boys and I were making pancakes (pamcakes, grammie, pamcakes!), Kim and he rest of the fam were sitting at the breakfast bar talking and laughing.  Kimi stood up and walked over to the sofa, I told my grandsons not to get so close to the hot skillet, Kimi sat down, I sent my grandsons out of the kitchen for getting too close to the skillet... and Kimi stretched out her arms in the sunshine.  Every detail of every moment from that point on will haunt me forever.

I smiled at Kim, then asked her what she was doing, then asked again, then called her name sternly.  No response.  Just continued arm stretching.  Only something was wrong, wrong with the way her hands were bent.  And her fingers.  And her head. CALL 911! I barked to my son in law while I ran to my daughter.  I stood before her bent, twisted shape... and completely fell apart.  Her fingers, her beautiful long nails, were curled unnaturally into claws.  Her face was contorted, her mouth bent down to the left, with foamy bubbles coming out of her clenched lips.  While I watched in horror she began to twitch, rhythmically and quickly.  My baby, my beautiful precious Kimberly, who runs in marathons and bikes 40 miles to work, was seizing--quite literally dying from hypoxia--eight inches from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

When medical aid arrived Kim was still unconscious, and when she came around she was confused and combative.  She was transferred to a local hospital and given a CAT scan, which showed no abnormalities.  She was also given a test to measure her blood sugar and the results showed an impressively low glucose level.  The physicians involved in her care agreed Kim's seizure was most likely a result of her low blood sugar.  She was given some glucose in her IV and a roast beef sandwich and sent home.

The picture of my beautiful, strong daughter rigid and convulsing is forever etched in my mind.   Saturday night as I tried to drift off to sleep it stabbed my vision, snapping me wide awake.   Next morning, Easter Sunday, I took a few minutes to pray; on the very spot I prayed to survive the day five months earlier--next to my granddaughter's crib.  I bowed my head and thanked God for delivering Kimi safely through the event, then asked Him to please remove the vision of it from my mind.  It was a simple prayer, only a minute or two long.  But God heard.  He listened.  He healed.  The picture of the event has now combined with my clinical experience gained as an EMT, and formed a type of shelf in my brain from which to choose educational material.   The trauma of watching the seizure has lost its sting AND has given me something new to think about when pieces of my divorce try to bring me down!  A new trauma.  A new lesson.  A new day.