23. Valentine's Day

"I've heard there was a secret chord

that David played, and it pleased the Lord

but, you don't really care for music, do ya?

It goes like this: a fourth, a fifth,

a minor fall--a major lift

the baffled king composing Hallelujah!"

-Leonard Cohen

Mr. Cohen's famous song was performed yesterday at the opening ceremony for the 2010 Olympics, by one of my favorite singers of all time, KD Lange. Her rendition of the incredible song was one of the most profoundly moving performances that I've ever seen or heard in my lifetime. The performance immediately went up for sale on iTunes and I bought it--it's been haunting me all night and all day today. When I listen to it I get goosebumps, and tears come to my eyes! It's absolutely moving.


Today is Valentine's Day. I think it's really cool that this song is at the forefront of my thoughts, because really the story of David is one of the most compelling love stories in the entire Bible. I feel close to this king. His ups and downs have been an integral part of my own healing process; I've drawn a lot of strength from his experiences. His weaknesses. His humanness.

Today I slept in and decided not to even get dressed. Because I can! Last night went to the mall and bought myself some much-needed shoes and make-up. What an incredible difference my solo journey around the mall was from the one in Spokane three months ago. I had a smile on my face; enjoyed seeing people, got some exercise--and not even the Valentine stuff everywhere bothered me. Thank You, God, for bringing me such a long way!


I'm enjoying listening to music, burning some new CDs, and just relaxing. Have decided that beginning tomorrow, Monday, I'm going to set my alarm for 0700 every day and haul my ass out of bed. I'll make some coffee, do my Bible study, check my email and be doing some sort of exercise by 8 every day, either walking, riding mom's bike, or just stretching and doing some yoga.


Started seeing a medical doctor, a psychiatrist last week.  Dr. J -- my new best friend. He will be tapering me off my anti-depressant Prozac, which I've been taking for years. He believes it is contributing to wild mood swings, which he says I do NOT have to put up with. Wow. Is that what my big crashing dark waves are? I really, really like this doctor. We connected well and he called me 'trace' which is something I love after meeting a person for the first time. Since childhood that has been an odd little thing that puts me at ease with strangers.


He also wants me to take a very, very small dose of xanax every day for a while. I think it will be during my prozac withdrawl period? The dose is small enough to be calming but not make me sleepy; one-sixth of a mg per day. Better get a pill cutter, those are some tiny chunks!  I have no reason to hide anything I learn from my psychiatrist, and will update this journal after every visit. I'm going to continue my telephone sessions with Gayle also, and look forward to one this Tuesday.


Dr. J told me he believes I have some fairly impressive obsessive tendencies and we'll explore that further in future visits. Like the memory boxes of little things I stubbornly hold on to from my childhood as well as both my girls' childhood; Dr. J believes I'm 'hoarding' my memories of life with Rob. (He didn't use that term). In spite of the fact that I was treated very poorly by him, I allow the good memories to arise and take over, and keep those securely in my head because that's as close to physically touching, seeing, and smelling Rob I can get: there is no memory box full of trinkets to represent smiles, words, and times together. So, my brain creates 'it's own form of trinket' in vivid memories. Makes a lot of sense to me. As soon as we get my mood swings leveled out we'll look at letting go of my peculiar 'memory box'.