Six and a half months ago I would never have believed anything positive could be made with, or of my life. When someone would say to me Trace, there's a reason for everything, or God has a plan just be patient, it was tough to put much stock in that. Sometimes I laugh about it. Sometimes cry. (Still.) Sometimes get really mad. Through it all, though, I've learned a lot about God: His timing, His plan, His direction.
My situation, like so many divorce tragedies, begs the question: Did God cause my husband to stop loving me? (No.) Did He cause me to have a broken heart just so I'd return to Him on a new level? Is that how He works--does he arrange for people to grieve, to force their hand and get them to praise Him? (No.) If He didn't arrange it then, did God allow my marriage to be destroyed; and is he allowing me to experience absolute anguish 150 or so times a day?
The latter is a question that's been asked and debated by theologians, scholars, and poets for centuries, is it not? How could a simple person like me answer this... I just cannot. But I do have a theory: I know God doesn't like sadness. He doesn't like depression, anxiety, self-pity, or grief. He doesn't want us to be heart-broken. Yet, I cannot deny it: I have grown in Christ since my heart was broken and my marriage stolen. I've studied the Word much more; attended church more regularly. Still, I prefer to believe I've also grown in Christ in spite of having my heart broken and marriage stolen, not just because of it.
When my separation was brand new and I was still completely numb with shock, I turned to the Bible for answers (and for peace) and two scriptures jumped off the page at me. The first was shown to me at five in the morning after my first night in Spokane, and I eventually made it my sidebar quote for this blog: "You asked 'who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me" --Job 42:3
The second came a day or so later and became the foundation for a ministry I hope to start some day, working with women whose hearts have been broken through divorce or breakup: "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered" --Philippians 1:12
Did God give me peace on that first morning? Definitely; peace wrapped in a blanket of wisdom. Will my ministry launch? I don't know... it's definitely a goal of mine. If I am able to encourage just one woman whose life has been ripped apart by the words I don't love you anymore, my vision will be complete. God will be triumphant if His mere presence is shown to another doubtful broken heart.
And that will make my own journey a little more clear.
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