41. My Dear Dad

Once when I was 17 my dad came home from work early to find me not in school, and sitting at the dining table with red puffy eyes.  He asked why I was home, and why I was crying.  My boyfriend had broken up with me--and it was simply the end of life as I knew it!

Dad didn't lecture me about cutting school, nor did he work on the project he had come home early for.  Instead he took me by the arm, handed me some kleenex and said we're going for a drive.  I didn't feel like talking and he didn't ask one question.  My teenage heart had been broken and he allowed me the space I needed to process that.

Ten years before, my brother and I had spent our weekends and summers at a place called Lost Isle.  It was an island in the Sacramento Delta where Dad had lived for a time.  Accessible only by boat, we would meet every Friday night at the marina and head off to the island.  My brother and I knew every square inch of the island and all it's boat slips.  We were completely at home running up and down the docks and hanging our feet in the water.  We knew the smell of creosote and two-stroke fuel.  We knew who owned every boat there, which were ski boats, which were cruisers, and which were lazy houseboats.  Lost Isle, and other boat docks, were a huge part of my childhood.

On the day Dad found me ditching school and crying, he drove me to Light 29 Marina on the Sacramento River.  The smell of the creosote, the gentle rocking of the docks, and the squeaking of the slip bladders all brought great joy to me as memories of my earlier childhood came flooding back.  We had lunch at the dingy little diner on the marina, cheeseburgers and cokes.  By the time we returned home I was smiling again.

Today, Alzheimer's Disease ravages my dad.  He is quickly losing his battle; deteriorating before our eyes.  He has had Alzheimer's for a long time but fortunately remained in the early stages of the disease for a long time, with small bouts of forgetfulness here and there.  Now he has entered into a late stage and has been placed in a memory care center to keep him safe.

Three months ago, Dad began showing signs he might be slipping further into his dementia.  He was very sad and depressed.  I decided to surprise him with a day trip, just the two of us.  Remembering the day 32 years earlier when he took me to Light 29 for some cheering up, I helped him put his deck shoes on and drove him to a marina in Portland for lunch and a personalized tour.  We saw many beautiful boats, but Dad didn't really seem to understand where he was or what we were doing.  He just smiled quietly the entire time we were there.  It was a sad but beautiful day for me.

Dad always said life goes on.  Someday he will be gone, and I'll miss him very much.  But life will go on, and I will take the gems I learned from Dad with me while I continue on my own journey, and I will be at peace.

40. Trace, Kind of All Over the Place...

I am sometimes utterly amazed when I watch God orchestrate goodness out of the messes we make.  His timing, His grace, His mercy...

Six and a half months ago I would never have believed anything positive could be made with, or of my life.  When someone would say to me Trace, there's a reason for everything, or God has a plan just be patient, it was tough to put much stock in that.  Sometimes I laugh about it.  Sometimes cry.  (Still.)  Sometimes get really mad.  Through it all, though, I've learned a lot about God:  His timing, His plan, His direction.

My situation, like so many divorce tragedies, begs the question:  Did God cause my husband to stop loving me?  (No.)  Did He cause me to have a broken heart just so I'd return to Him on a new level?  Is that how He works--does he arrange for people to grieve, to force their hand and get them to praise Him?  (No.)  If He didn't arrange it then, did God allow my marriage to be destroyed; and is he allowing me to experience absolute anguish 150 or so times a day?

The latter is a question that's been asked and debated by theologians, scholars, and poets for centuries, is it not?  How could a simple person like me answer this... I just cannot.  But I do have a theory:  I know God doesn't like sadness.  He doesn't like depression, anxiety, self-pity, or grief.  He doesn't want us to be heart-broken.  Yet, I cannot deny it:  I have grown in Christ since my heart was broken and my marriage stolen.  I've studied the Word much more; attended church more regularly.  Still, I prefer to believe I've also grown in Christ in spite of having my heart broken and marriage stolen, not just because of it.

When my separation was brand new and I was still completely numb with shock, I turned to the Bible for answers (and for peace) and two scriptures jumped off the page at me.  The first was shown to me at five in the morning after my first night in Spokane, and I eventually made it my sidebar quote for this blog:   "You asked 'who is this that questions My wisdom with such ignorance?'   It is I--and I was talking about things I knew nothing about; things far too wonderful for me" --Job 42:3

The second came a day or so later and became the foundation for a ministry I hope to start some day, working with women whose hearts have been broken through divorce or breakup:  "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect.  Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered" --Philippians 1:12

Did God give me peace on that first morning?  Definitely; peace wrapped in a blanket of wisdom.  Will my ministry launch?  I don't know... it's definitely a goal of mine.  If I am able to encourage just one woman whose life has been ripped apart by the words I don't love you anymore, my vision will be complete. God will be triumphant if His mere presence is shown to another doubtful broken heart.

And that will make my own journey a little more clear.

37. King David and me

It occurred to me the other day that my posts are a set of serious mood swings!  I shared my concern with Kim and she immediately reminded me about King David. The Book of Psalms, 150 chapters of sacred poems composed primarily by a man referred to as having a heart 'most like God's', is a collection of incredibly diverse emotions and feelings.  


Dr. Jerry Vines www.jerryvines.com writes:
"In many ways the Christian life is no different from the life of any other person. Life has its good days and its bad days. You will experienceups and downs in life. Life very often is a series of hills and valleys. That's one of the reasons I enjoy reading the book of Psalms. 

The book of Psalms is a book written especially for the human emotions. Every possible range of human emotions can be found in the book of Psalms. The Psalmists pluck every string of the human emotion.

Sometimes the Psalmist wrote and said, "Out of the depths I cried unto you." On other occasions he writes a Psalm and it says, "The lions have fallen out unto me in pleasant places." So I like the Psalms because they deal with these mood swings, with these differences in human emotions.

There are many people who have a hard time dealing with the changing circumstances and the variety of moods which come to them in life. It's not easy for them to cope with these mood swings. There are some, of course, who have mood swings which are chemically driven. There are mood swings which have to do with chemical malfunctions in the brain. There are times when people need to have Christian care and Christian counseling and Christian medicine to help them get through some of these brain disorders that may come. These are more severe. These are more serious mood swings which some people have to deal with.

Some people have to deal with issues of depression, and they are not able to get themselves out of the tank of depression and they need some specialized Christian care to help them through that difficulty.

I'm not dealing so much with those kinds of severe mood swings this evening as I am just dealing with the things that seem to come to all of us. I want to talk with you a little bit tonight about these mood swings which are specifically mentioned in these verses, and I want you to see that God is available to us in all of these times of different emotional experiences.

In the book of Psalms, Psalm 31, verse 15, he says, "My times are in Your hand; deliver me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me." There is no time or circumstance or mood that you will go through which is beyond the ability of God to help.


Deuteronomy 33: 25, says, "As your days, so shall your strength be." That means that whatever you are going though on any particular day, God can give you the strength, and God can help you to get through that particular time."
~ Dr. Jerry Vines
   February 27, 2005


I believe everyone has mood swings; this is how we are wired.  I believe God knew exactly what He was doing when He designed our personalities; when he wrote out our emotions and feelings.  I believe God makes NO mistakes.  The ups and downs illustrated in my blog identify who I am right now:  an intelligent woman who's porcelain heart has been smashed into tiny shards.  I refuse to be fearful of sharing my pain.   If I feel victorious one day I will praise God, sing, write, create.  And if I crash to into the valley the next day I will whimper, question, and cry out to God.  Walking through a valley after standing on a mountain top is NOT a sign of defeat, it's a testament to who, how, and what we are!

36. Who Gave You the Keys to my Soul?

Today is May 1st.  Six months ago today I hit that highway.  Half a year has gone by, the hardest, most gut-wrenching experience I've ever imagined could happen.

Tracy, Bright and Dark
Some days I wake up in the morning and an inkling of hope dances in the air: I'm motivated to live again.  I hop out of bed, fix coffee, and go for a walk. How I love those mornings!  Other days,  however, I wake up aware of only the ticking of my parents' grandfather clock; nothing more. The rest of the world is blank, and I know it's going to be a dark day.  On those days I'm more aware of my physical pain, also.  My shoulders, wrists and ankles ache from the pain of my arthritis.  I get up and usually go right back to bed, afraid and unmotivated to face my world.  These are the days I ask God:

Why is it that my husband is allowed to have so much control over how I feel?  Why am I not strong enough to throw him out of my head?

Why does he have the power to make me sooo angry at myself?  Who gave him that power???

Why does he have the power to rob me of the motivation to get a job... to write... to take pictures... to sing... to pray?  To get out of bed?

Why does he have the power to rob me of my joy?  Who gave him the keys to my soul?

When will I be able to retake control of my own happiness:  not medication-happiness?  When will I stop being afraid of my future?

33. Some of my favorite poetry and quotes

"In the dark immensity of night
I stood upon a hill and watched the light
Of a star,
Soundless and beautiful and far.


A scientist standing there with me
Said, 'it is not the star you see,
But a glow
That left the star light years ago.'


People are like stars in a timeless sky;
The light of a good person's life shines high,
Golden and splendid
Long after his brief earth years are ended."
~ Grace V. Watkins

"Recovery seems far and distant,
The road to healing, a long and lonely one.
Stand by me.  Offer me your presence,
Your ears and your love.

Acknowledge my pain,
It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile.

A time will come when I heal,
And I will lend my renewed hope to others."
-Eloise Cole

"Wisdom is seeing the shape of your life
without obliterating...or getting over
a single instant of it."
~ Albert Huffstickler



"Pathological Narcissists only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V., from lisaescott.com

"There's no need to miss someone from your past; there's a reason they didn't make it into your future"   ~ unknown


"By the time you swear you're his, 
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, and undying,
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying."
--Dorothy Parker, 'Unfortunate Coincidence'




"I heard there was a secret chord 
That David played, and it pleased the Lord,
But--you  don't really care for music, do ya...
It goes like this:  a fourth, a fifth,
A Minor Fall, a major lift,
A baffled king composing
Hallelujah.
Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,
You saw her bathing on the roof, 
Her beauty--and the moonlight overthrew ya.
Well she tied you to her kitchen chair,
Broke your throne,
Cut your hair, 
And from your lips she drew a
Hallelujah.
Maybe, there's a God above, but
All I've ever learned from love 
Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
It's not someone who's seen the light,
It's a cold and it's a broken
Hallelujah... "
           ~Leonard Cohen

^"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

"Stop and turn around

My arms are open wide

Come and let Me hold you

and dry the tears you've cried

In My arms no one will hurt you,

in My arms you will be free

from all the painful memories

that now are destroying thee..."

~ Susan Carlson

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"  -Joseph Campbell

31. Getting By

The time I spend in fellowship with God has decreased.  I'm human--subject to human frailty, human limitations, human failures.  No one knows I need to spend more time with God than me.  (Except God.)  I can wake up and say today I'll get back into the Word, and start praying more till the cows come home but until I get that real happiness, peace, and joy is tied to those things, I will have to be content just getting through each day.

And getting through each day is exactly what I am doing now.  Some days happiness abounds, most days sadness, or worse... apathy rules the day.  Blank, complacent emptiness.  Exactly what the enemy of God wants.  Let's face it, if we are in a state of happiness and joy we thank God and offer Him praise.  If we're in a state of grief and sadness we beg God and ask him to help us out.   Either way, we're relating with our Creator.  It's when we feel neither joy nor sadness; neither thankfulness nor self pity; just plain apathy, that we're most likely to ignore God.   When there is no reason to commune with Him--that's when complacency settles in.  That's when the enemy celebrates.

I can just see the angels on apathy day:  jumping around, yelling our name, shaking us by the lapel, shouting hey... wake UP!  Don't you know the Creator adores you?  Don't you know He's calling your name right this very moment?  He wants to chat with you!  He wants to hold you, look you in the face, smile on you!  Don't ignore Him, talk to him!  Read His word, learn about Him.  Don't let Satan keep you fat and lazy... take back your joy!  Sing, dance, praise Him!  Do something.

Or don't.  And get by.

30. A New Trauma

Yesterday marked the five month anniversary of the day I woke up on the floor of my granddaughter's bedroom in Spokane, WA to the sickening realization that my husband no longer loved me.  Today Kim and I are in Spokane for an Easter visit with Courtney and her family.  All has been going smoothly; awesome visit, fun time with grandbabies, hugs all around.

Yesterday morning around 9 a.m. my daughter Kimberly calmly walked to the sofa, sat down, and had a massive grand mal seizure.  No one in my family has ever had a seizure.  Or even seen a seizure.

The boys and I were making pancakes (pamcakes, grammie, pamcakes!), Kim and he rest of the fam were sitting at the breakfast bar talking and laughing.  Kimi stood up and walked over to the sofa, I told my grandsons not to get so close to the hot skillet, Kimi sat down, I sent my grandsons out of the kitchen for getting too close to the skillet... and Kimi stretched out her arms in the sunshine.  Every detail of every moment from that point on will haunt me forever.

I smiled at Kim, then asked her what she was doing, then asked again, then called her name sternly.  No response.  Just continued arm stretching.  Only something was wrong, wrong with the way her hands were bent.  And her fingers.  And her head. CALL 911! I barked to my son in law while I ran to my daughter.  I stood before her bent, twisted shape... and completely fell apart.  Her fingers, her beautiful long nails, were curled unnaturally into claws.  Her face was contorted, her mouth bent down to the left, with foamy bubbles coming out of her clenched lips.  While I watched in horror she began to twitch, rhythmically and quickly.  My baby, my beautiful precious Kimberly, who runs in marathons and bikes 40 miles to work, was seizing--quite literally dying from hypoxia--eight inches from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

When medical aid arrived Kim was still unconscious, and when she came around she was confused and combative.  She was transferred to a local hospital and given a CAT scan, which showed no abnormalities.  She was also given a test to measure her blood sugar and the results showed an impressively low glucose level.  The physicians involved in her care agreed Kim's seizure was most likely a result of her low blood sugar.  She was given some glucose in her IV and a roast beef sandwich and sent home.

The picture of my beautiful, strong daughter rigid and convulsing is forever etched in my mind.   Saturday night as I tried to drift off to sleep it stabbed my vision, snapping me wide awake.   Next morning, Easter Sunday, I took a few minutes to pray; on the very spot I prayed to survive the day five months earlier--next to my granddaughter's crib.  I bowed my head and thanked God for delivering Kimi safely through the event, then asked Him to please remove the vision of it from my mind.  It was a simple prayer, only a minute or two long.  But God heard.  He listened.  He healed.  The picture of the event has now combined with my clinical experience gained as an EMT, and formed a type of shelf in my brain from which to choose educational material.   The trauma of watching the seizure has lost its sting AND has given me something new to think about when pieces of my divorce try to bring me down!  A new trauma.  A new lesson.  A new day.