20. For the First Time: the 'A' Word.

Tonight, right now, Friday January 8, 2010 at 10:37 pm I have somehow, from somewhere, been given the courage to admit, really admit to myself and to this journal, that my entire five year relationship with Rob was more than just toxic. It was abusive. His ex-wife talked about abuse. Mom talked about abuse. Kim and Courtney talked about it. So did his daughter. But I would hear none of it. Abusive? My prince? The man I chose to be my life partner? No, he simply couldn't be abusive. Because for one thing, if Rob were an abusive husband and partner, that would mean I had chosen an abusive mate, and that has been, to this point, unthinkable. Impossible.

Tonight I came across, and shamelessly cut and pasted, this amazing blog from one of my favorite bloggers, John Shore http://johnshore.com . He wrote an article entitled Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships. I started out reading number seven, then number six. As I had suspected, the abuse John talks about is physical abuse, which in my mind was the only kind of abuse a man can inflict on his wife. (Boy have I been wrong on that one!) As I read number five however, something strong, flowing... and familiar struck me six ways to Sunday. The author doesn't change his take on the type of abuse women stay with, but he CLEARLY defines how a classic abusive husband behaves behind the abuse. Here it is, spelled out for me: Why Tracy Stayed With/Waited For/Still Loves Robby.

1. Your man is cute. He has adorable ways. You see that little boy in him and you melt.
2. He's got that way of talking, of moving, of boldly taking control of stuff--he's brave like that.
3. He does things in the world. He makes things happen at work. He's powerful and yet he needs you.
4. He's smart. You wish you could be smart like that.
5. Underneath it all, he's a good man. He was raised poorly. His dad never gave him a break.
6. He tries to be nice.
7. He's got those arms you love.

All of these sorts of qualities that you love in your man really are lovable: there’s no doubt whatsoever about that. If you’re a woman in an abusive relationship, though, here are two things that you must bear in mind about all the sorts of things that make you love your man in spite of the awful way he treats you:

1) Every man has all kinds of qualities that are every bit as attractive and lovable as any characteristic possessed by your man. You just don’t know any other guys like you know your man; you’re just used to your man’s lovable qualities. Your man’s qualities seem really unique because they belong to him. But you could love those same qualities (and a whole bunch of new ones!) in another man—one who doesn’t treat you like garbage.

2) Your man uses his lovable qualities to keep you hooked on him. And a huge part of doing that is consciously, purposefully, and constantly pretending that he’s not.