2. Out of Nowhere: Shock

"When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be happy, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: 

Que sera, sera

whatever will be will be,

the future's not ours to see...

que sera, sera"

Typing this hurts. It hurts my fingers, my hands, my toes. There is no spot, not one atom of my body that does not hurt; is not broken.

"I lift up my eyes to the Lord. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and Earth".

The kind of pain I feel is not comparable to physical pain. I've not been cut, or bruised. My skin is not hanging in a burned mess; my bones are not mangled. Physically I am whole. Light a few tears, but other than that, whole.

Did I really walk that roadway two days ago?  Did he really leave me abandoned on the side of the highway... is all this real, or just a bad dream?

The sting of this pain is beyond physical. It is the pain of self-torment; of rejection, regret, and disbelief. Somewhere in the mix, according to the medical experts, shock. Shock is our body's defense against unbearable pain or anguish. When the body is in shock blood is perfused from the limbs into the central body organs, to preserve them and nurture them with extra oxygen and nutrients. People in shock have described a feeling of numbness, or tingling, or 'deadness' in their arms, legs, toes, fingers.

Through the grace of my God and the miracle of pain meds for arthritis, I'm able to track my journey in writing. This is a new kind of pain, and it dwarfs any kind of physical pain I've ever felt. It is excruciating. Right now I don't want to survive it.